From, Cathy

Happy Monday. Okay, I know not everyone looks forward to Mondays, but get your laté's and your Redbulls and wake up. Today's letter comes from Cathy, and she writes:

Red,
A couple of weeks ago I found a dirty magazine in my boyfriend's room. I'm not upset that he has them because most men do but this magazine was an s&m magazine. I really didnt flip through it to see what was in it but based on the cover it looked kind of extreme and not something I could really tolerate. My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months (today!) and we have been having sex for about four month so we are what I would consider serious. But I'm nervous that this is the type of person that he really is and I don't know how to bring it up to him. I don't know if I can be with someone who is into s&m because I am NOT. Please, how am I supposed to talk to him about this?
-* Cathy *-

First of all Cathy, I would have to commend you on not going off the deep end and throwing what you have discovered in his face, as I know some women would be prone to doing. It is very important not to let our assumptions get the better of us and cause us to blow up on our partners. One of the things you need to understand is that everyone has their own private thoughts and fantasies that they are not, perhaps, comfortable sharing with anyone. If the magazine was hidden away, then there is probably a reason for it and if he left it out in the open for you to find, then there is probably reason for it as well.

I understand that not everyone is into sadism and masochism. Some people think it's wrong or dirty or just too kinky. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and tastes (so long as there's no legal ramifications). You have to respect your partner enough to understand that he has a right to be into whatever he wants, even if you may not agree with it. What you have to decide is if it is a deal-breaker for you. 9 months is a relatively long time to date someone, and if you feel as if you'd love him no matter what, then I don't really see what the problem is. You have to decide what you're willing to tolerate and compromise on--that is what a relationship is.

If the magazine was hidden, I would wait to bring it up until he feels willing to talk about it. If it truly matters that much, I would broach the subject lightly. It seems to me that 9 months would be long enough to ask what he is "in to" and what is something he might enjoy--sexually speaking. Or perhaps you can approach the subject by saying what you like and are in to. Regardless, you need to keep an open mind with your partner, and do your best not to judge him. It's possible that he is ashamed of his interests already. Allow him to be open and honest with you, and make sure he understands the levels that you are willing to meet him. If you're not willing to compromise your beliefs, then let him know that as well. A lot can be said for simply saying "Alright, I acknowledge that you like that, but I can't do that. Perhaps we can try something different."

It is also possible that the magazine is not even his. But the most important thing to realize is that obsessing over it is only going to put pressure on yourself and cause you to worry. Just approach the subject with calm understanding. From what you have said, it seems that this situation is a deal-breaker. Just be sure that you are really willing to let him go if he happens to take an interest in S&M. Just because he may be into it, does not mean that it defines him as a person. Just because someone likes the color pink does not mean that they have a sunny disposition.

From, Passionatefouryou

Alright. As promised, it's Monday, and here I am posting up a new letter and a new reply. I know it's been a while, so bare with me while I tweek the website a bit. I have a new affiliate, if you're aware, of a start-up .com with a friend of mine at Convulsive Liar § Designs. The website is not up, but apparently she has some of her things up from a web design class she's taking/took, so if anything, check it out.

Okay, now that I've sold out (Thanks, Jen), let's move on to our letter, which reads:

Red,
so recently i was invited to a passion party (adult toys are sold here). my girlfriend who lives in a different state seemed to have an issue with it but she wouldnt come out and just say it. then i thought she was ignoring me the day of the event. we got into a small fight but everything is fine now. in the future is there any advice you cold give us to maybe make it easier of less of a problem?

Passionatefouryou

Okay, so the big thing you have to think about in this instance is that women think of things a lot differently than men do. Where you could very well believe that nothing is a big deal, she may believe it is--or visa versa. For example, the entire issue could simple be mis-communication. You say "I thought she was ignoring me..." but did you really know? Who's to say she simply wasn't available to talk. It's possible. The other side is to think about things from her perspective. If she seems upset, ask her what about it upsets her. Some people aren't comfortable disclosing their feelings for one reason or another, and sometimes it's important that they know that you at least care one way or another. But you can't badger someone to talk about their issues if they simply don't want to.
You say that you worked it out and that's great. But you have to understand that there are always going to be issues one way or another. The best thing that I can say is that you both need to make each other aware of things that bother you so that you can prepare in the future. I don't know what the actual problem was because you never disclosed it, but let's say--for example--that the reason she had an issue was because she didn't want you going to that kind of event (adult situations and such). Figure out why. Try to set her at ease about the issue. If you can't, then the pair of you have to reach a compromise. That's what being in a relationship is. And both of you have to be willing to do the work if you want to be together.

If you (or anyone) would like a more in-depth example or something more specific, please feel free to comment below or send me an email at AskRedAndy@gmail.com and I'll be happy to help.

From, Red Andy

Alright, so obviously I haven't updated in a while. Unfortunately, due to scheduling conflicts and my inability to access my email accounts, I have not been able to post much of anything. However, all of that is at an end! I'm back and I have a new post date! From now on, every Monday I will be posting up new letters and my responses. Today, I won't be. I know, it's sad. This is just an update to inform you about what will be going on. I have to sift through my emails (since I can now--yay!) and try to figure out which one to post. If I don't get to your email right away, don't be disappointed. I'll try to get to all of them. If they have similar themes, then I will credit everyone who sent in a letter with that theme.

More than anything, I appreciate your patience and continued support of my blog! Check back here next Monday for an all-new letter and response!

-Red Andy

From, Red Andy

So, this week was low on emails, as in there were none. There is an issue I'd like to touch on though. Sex is an important part of any relationship and something that is meant to be enjoyed by partners. Impotence in men is something that has been addressed a lot in the recent years. Even the lack of desire in women is an issue that has had light shed upon it on a large scale. With female libido enhancers such as gels (like "KY Intense") and herbal supplements (like "HerSolution") it's becoming more and more easy for women to become stimulated and enjoy sex more. However, there are still times when women are not feeling "up to it" based on different problems they may be encountering in their lives (ie: recent childbirth, hormonal problems, psychological issues, etc.), and as such, sex with their partners becomes less and less of a priority. As such, some men have a tendency to become frustrated but do not how to articulate their frustrations in an effective manner. As such, arguments can result, lack of communication and in some cases, infidelity.

A good friend of mine is going through kind of a tough issue. She's been having some kind of severe symptoms of Menometrorrhagia. Menometrorrhagia is a condition in which a woman has persistent and/or extreme uterine bleeding in an irregular pattern and more frequently than normal (ie, in-between periods). Some of the causes are hormonal imbalance, uterine fibroids (benign tumors in the uterus), endometriosis (when cells similar to those lining the inner walls of the uterus that shed monthly appear on the outside of the uterus), or sometimes cancer. It can be pretty serious, especially depending on the cause of the hemorrhaging. For a little more information and facts about Menometrorrhagia, visit OrganizedWisdom>Menometrorrhagia.

In any case, because my friend's condition, she's been having some severe cramping and every time her and her partner decide to have intercourse it makes the bleeding a lot worse or start all over again. As a result, her sex drive is extremely low to put it mildly. I'm not going to go into the details of her relationship with her partner, because it would be unethical of me. However, communication problems seem to be causing a strain on their relationship. Just because sexual intercourse doesn't seem to be an option at the moment, does not mean that intimacy has to go out of the window. Despite the fact that a woman may not be feeling particularly sexy doesn't mean that her partner does not want her. As such, when that time comes, and you hear "Hey, honey..." sometimes saying "Not tonight, dear" isn't the best course of action. Instead, try something different. Go back to the days of "necking". Making out and heavy petting can be vastly under-rated. The stimulation is obviously pleasurable while it can be non-invasive for the woman. As far as pleasing your partner try outer-course, rather than intercourse. Oral sex, manual stimulation, touching, massaging....it's all form of stimulation.

Sex is an important part of relationships and when a person is not feeling up to it, then communication is key. Rather than judging, your partner should be supportive. But if you know that your not going to be able to perform sexual intercourse, then you have to compromise. There's two people in the relationship and where you may believe that it's your partner's job to be supportive and understand your needs, you have to understand his/her's. If you aren't willing to work through the issue together, then what's the point?

As always, when involved in intimate relations with your partner, remember to be safe!

From, Red Andy

Hey, so this week has been relatively uneventful. This week I didn't get any letters in but I didn't think that just because I received no letters that I should forgo my obligation to post a new entry on the blog. I just wanted to say a quick "Thank you" to everyone who's been reading and sending in letters. I really appreciate it and I'm glad that I can help. Regarding last week's letter, I understand that it was a little depressing, but you never know when someone may be reaching out for help. That being said, I appreciate you writing in, but from now on if I receive a letter like that, I will answer it privately--meaning, I won't post it up on the website unless I feel obligated to do so.

Thanks for reading this brief update, and hopefully next week I'll have more emails.

From, Madame Bell

It's a new week, and it's time for a new letter. I'd like to start of this week's post with a bit of a disclaimer. I created this blog for people who felt like they couldn't talk to their friends or family about certain things: touchy subjects like sex, relationships, techniques on how to be a better lover...those sorts of things. Well, this week's letter isn't anything like that. However, the subject of the letter is something that I hold very close to my heart and I believe it would be pure neglect of me to not post it up. So, before you read this, be mindful that the letter isn't the typical letter that I would post up and it may get a bit depressing. Also, if you happen to know of anyone who is suffering from these sorts of symptoms, make sure that you talk to that person and let him/her know that they can come to you. Believe me, you do not want to be stuck wondering "what if" for the rest of your life.

Cheers to you, Andy! Is your hair really red? :P Well, first of, good day to you from Liverpool!!

Well, let me start off by saying that I think it's very sweet of you to have this blog here for those that might be too ashamed to go to a parent/guardian/friend ect... But this isn't exactly a sexual topic I am bringing to you. But a self-harm one. You see, since I was probably ten years old, I have dealt with depression. It started with just being teased for my outer appearance (I was what you would call a plumb child) and I would hear the coldest of things from the youngest of kids to the oldest of hags. Well, it started to sink in hard when I was in probably around thirteen years old and out of nowhere, my home life started spiraling out of control. Parents got separated and mother dear did do her best, but only ended up hurting us more with every careless deed. Well, to make a long story short, life evolved, got better and then worse and before I knew it, I would find myself with razor in hand and it was always there for me through the darkest and saddest of times. I am now in my early 20's and It's still a constant battle to not run that blade into myself when life throws a curve ball at me. I know that in this life, we will never always get what we want and it would be childish of me to get sad over the smallest things. But I can honestly tell you that nothing is ever what we hope it would be. I feel worthless most of the time and I can do everything in my power to please others but it will never be enough.

Wow, I better stop before I turn this into a novel!! Best wishes and thank you, Andy!

-Madame Bell

Well, Bell, in answer to your question: No. My hair is not really red anymore. When I started the blog, my hair was red but I had a little mishap with some hair dye and now my hair is black. I fully intend to be a red-head again soon, though.
I'm really glad that you felt you could come to someone with your problem, Bell, even if it's just an anonymous post through a lesser-known blog, it means that you truly understand that you do need to talk to someone. As a person who has suffered from clinical depression her whole life, I believe I can help you at least in a way, with my limited means.

Adolescence is a very hard time for young people and it is not surprising that you link your "spiraling" to that time in your life. With hormones raging and the pressures of it all, it is very easy to lose yourself in the feeling of helplessness that sometimes occurs. What you must understand is that some of the time, it is not a matter of the mind, but a matter of biology. And let's face it, as women, we have a tendency to succumb to our emotions much easier than most men (which, I think is a shame, because many of these young gentlemen suffer through similar problems with their perception of themselves but they feel as if they cannot express it for fear of losing their masculinity).

Sometimes, however, I've noticed that usually that is the blossoming stage for depression, although many can misinterpret certain behaviors associated with anxiety, depression and bipolar disorder (yes, there is a difference between the three) as Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or Attention Deficit Hyper Disorder (ADHD). However, what a lot of people don't know, is that usually depression and ADD go hand-in-hand. It's all about the chemical imbalances of the mind. For more information on the topic, visit "An Overview of Depression and ADHD in Children" and/or "ADHD and Depression".
Self-harm is something that has recently come out into the open in many ways. Before, I believe, people were prone to simply cover things up or deny that a person ever had a problem. Luckily, now, doctors and most people understand that cutting and self-harm is something that should be taken very seriously and now there's a lot of literature on the subject (see "Cutting and other forms of self harm" for a little more information and understanding).

Unlike most things, cutting is not a "disease" and cannot simply be treated. Self-harm is a way of coping, which you, Bell, have illustrated in your letter first-hand. Something that you have to understand, Bell, is that self-harm is not something that you can just easily talk yourself out of with common sense like "...we will never always get what we want...[it's] childish of me to get sad..." etcetera, because as soon as another problem arises you will turn to the blade because, like I said, cutting is a coping mechanism. That should not imply, however, that there is no way to help it.

You've taken a big step in talking about the fact that you cut. Congrats. Many people never will or never intend to. To help, you have to understand that cutting can derive from bipolar disorder, depression, stress and/or anxiety and luckily those can be treated with therapy and/or medication. What I would suggest is making an appointment with a doctor. If you don't have insurance, see about looking into a free health clinic and doing the necessary research to find a governmental assistance program (which I currently benefit from in the state of Florida). Talk to your doctor about your symptoms and see if he can refer you to a therapist and/or psychiatrist (as psychiatrists can prescribe medication) based on your income, insurance and symptoms. Doctors who are not trained with psychosis should not prescribe antidepressants and the like. Believe me, I speak from personal experience and nearly died because of an adverse effect from an antidepressant that was prescribed to me as a way to control my ADHD when I was a teenager. Anyway, once you have settled a doctor and a form of treatment has been settled it can take a lot of trial and error to find something that works best for you. The best thing you can do is speak openly and honestly with your doctor, otherwise he/she cannot help you and it can have a dangerous effect for you.

Regardless of everything I have said, you have to talk to someone who can help you. I am not a doctor, I am not a therapist (at least no more than Dr. Phil...who if you did not know, is a botanist, or something) and I cannot help you to take control of your life and get things in order so that you can get on track to ending your struggle. All I can tell you is that not too many years ago, I made the choice to open up and finally talk to someone...before I finally went over the edge. And it has taken me a lot of time to get to where I am now but I can certainly say that life is better not because I won the lotto or anything like that but because I'm alive and I don't have the constant, nagging anxiety of depression weighing me down. Trust me, Bell. Talk to someone. It's the best thing you can do.

From, Anonymous

Hello, hello, hello. Okay, I know that I'm bad. I skipped last week's posting. However, in all fairness, it was the 23rd of December and considering how insane everything was going the holidays and all, I assumed my avid readers would forgive me. That being said, I'm sorry, and I will be back to my regular schedule of posting this blog every Thursday. So, to the one person who wrote me a mean, teasing letter about missing the day (you know who you are)...give me a break. Hahaha.

Of course, I'm teasing. Moving right along, though; this week's letter is another long-distance question. And is it just me, or am I starting to see a recurring theme here? Ha!

Andy,
Recently I started dating the woman I've always known I would end up with, it sounds a little silly as i am the kind of guy who was a player in high school and never thought of myself as one to even think about settling down. I know I love this girl because when ever I am around her everything feels so easy I don't have to think about things that I normally have to stop myself from doing around other women. We live about a thousand miles apart and my job keeps me from being able to travel home as much as I would like and money and other obligations stop her from traveling to see me as much as she would like. now I know I can trust her 100% and I know she trust me 100%, but lately I've had little birds flapping in my ear about if I could trust her or not in the long distance relationship. my question to you is, how do I deal with them I am not going to lose this girl again, but I don't want to drive a wedge between the people close to me either, how should I make it to where all three parties win?

<3 Anonymous

Well, much like I said last time, long-distance relationships can be extremely difficult. It's really just a matter of whether or not you want to deal with it. For example, you have stated that you love her and trust her, and then you realize what other people are saying and perhaps your trust wavers slightly. Well, you cannot have a relationship without trust--of that much, I am positive. You need to understand that people are always going to talk, and many people cannot understand the appeal of a long-distance relationship. Another thing you must realize is that the people who are doubting the sincerity of your partner are more than likely looking out for you. They do not want to see you get hurt. I would not suggest bringing this to the attention of your partner, as it could easily be misinterpreted as your trust in her wavering. However, if it truly weighs on you, it is something that you must discuss openly with your partner. You must have an open flow of communication if the relationship is to succeed and if you can't trust her then that is something you either must work on developing.

Regardless, I would not attack or be angry at those who are questioning the trustworthiness of your partner. In the interest of peace-keeping, you must be calm and understand that they only want what's best for you. However, you must tell them how you feel in a way that is not attacking them. For example, you can say, "I understand your concerns, and I appreciate it, however I feel..." and you would explain your own feelings. As I have stated before, "It's all about good communication."