From, Cathy

Happy Monday. Okay, I know not everyone looks forward to Mondays, but get your laté's and your Redbulls and wake up. Today's letter comes from Cathy, and she writes:

Red,
A couple of weeks ago I found a dirty magazine in my boyfriend's room. I'm not upset that he has them because most men do but this magazine was an s&m magazine. I really didnt flip through it to see what was in it but based on the cover it looked kind of extreme and not something I could really tolerate. My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months (today!) and we have been having sex for about four month so we are what I would consider serious. But I'm nervous that this is the type of person that he really is and I don't know how to bring it up to him. I don't know if I can be with someone who is into s&m because I am NOT. Please, how am I supposed to talk to him about this?
-* Cathy *-

First of all Cathy, I would have to commend you on not going off the deep end and throwing what you have discovered in his face, as I know some women would be prone to doing. It is very important not to let our assumptions get the better of us and cause us to blow up on our partners. One of the things you need to understand is that everyone has their own private thoughts and fantasies that they are not, perhaps, comfortable sharing with anyone. If the magazine was hidden away, then there is probably a reason for it and if he left it out in the open for you to find, then there is probably reason for it as well.

I understand that not everyone is into sadism and masochism. Some people think it's wrong or dirty or just too kinky. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and tastes (so long as there's no legal ramifications). You have to respect your partner enough to understand that he has a right to be into whatever he wants, even if you may not agree with it. What you have to decide is if it is a deal-breaker for you. 9 months is a relatively long time to date someone, and if you feel as if you'd love him no matter what, then I don't really see what the problem is. You have to decide what you're willing to tolerate and compromise on--that is what a relationship is.

If the magazine was hidden, I would wait to bring it up until he feels willing to talk about it. If it truly matters that much, I would broach the subject lightly. It seems to me that 9 months would be long enough to ask what he is "in to" and what is something he might enjoy--sexually speaking. Or perhaps you can approach the subject by saying what you like and are in to. Regardless, you need to keep an open mind with your partner, and do your best not to judge him. It's possible that he is ashamed of his interests already. Allow him to be open and honest with you, and make sure he understands the levels that you are willing to meet him. If you're not willing to compromise your beliefs, then let him know that as well. A lot can be said for simply saying "Alright, I acknowledge that you like that, but I can't do that. Perhaps we can try something different."

It is also possible that the magazine is not even his. But the most important thing to realize is that obsessing over it is only going to put pressure on yourself and cause you to worry. Just approach the subject with calm understanding. From what you have said, it seems that this situation is a deal-breaker. Just be sure that you are really willing to let him go if he happens to take an interest in S&M. Just because he may be into it, does not mean that it defines him as a person. Just because someone likes the color pink does not mean that they have a sunny disposition.