Happy Independence Day for all of us in the United States of America. I'm not really what one would call "Patriotic" or even much of a nationalist, but I'll certainly celebrate a holiday that means no work, no school and I get the opportunity to blow some stuff up. Actually, there's currently a ban on fireworks in my area due to drought, but that's alright. I still get to spend some quality time with my family, which I hope my readers get to do as well.
Alright, so this week's letter can be considered really important for a lot of people. At first, I was apprehensive about responding to it because it is something that I will never have to deal with because I was blessed with a family that believes in open communication and who are extremely liberal and open-minded. I understand that many families aren't like my family. First of all, I'd like to reiterate the fact that I am not a doctor. I'm not a professional therapist. I'm not certified to practice any sort of counseling. I am just a person who wants to help people who feel like they have no where else to turn. That's why I do what I do. So, Wolverinefuzz, I hope this helps you.
Red Andy,
My name is *******... I'm 25 and I currently work at Wal-Mart in the clothing department. Sure, it's not the most glamorous job, but I'm doing my best. I've been struggling with this ever since middle school to be honest. I need your help, now more then ever. A few months back, a new guy started working here in the same department. He's the first openly gay person I've met, and I can't stop thinking about him. I've been having these kind of crushes and "problems" ever since first grade at the least when I had a crush on a boy. I'm so embaressed. My parents and entire family are devout Christians... and they aren't exactly "open" to my feelings. I don't really have any friends, and as I said, talking to my parents is out of the question until I fess up to them. I need to tell my parents that I am, putting it blatantly, gay. I've been putting this off since High School when I finally came to terms with who I am. I need advice on how to do it though... and I also need advice on how to ask this guy out. Please, you're the only one I can turn to at the point. All I'm asking for is advice.
-wolverinefuzz
Alright, first of all, I'd like to say that it is a huge step you've taken in admitting to yourself that you're gay. Many people go their whole lives and never admit it to themselves out of fear or ignorance. The fact that you've taken the time to assess your feelings and understand yourself says a lot about you and your character, so well done. Understand that there is nothing to be embarrassed about. You do not have a "problem", being homosexual is not a disease anymore than it is a "life-style choice" like many would have you believe. It is in a person's genetics to the simplest biological level as many studies have shown. After all, I'm sure my parents did not decide at age three, "I'm going to be straight," any more than you woke up in middle school and decided, "I'm going to be gay." It is what it is, and there is no shame in being who you are.
Before you decide to come out to your family, you need to understand the possible consequences of doing so. You've said that your family is not "open" to the idea of you being homosexual due to their religious beliefs. Because of this, it is most important that you educate yourself and have some kind of support system to fall back on. You need to ask yourself "Why am I coming out to my family?" Is it because you feel the urge to let your parents know that this is part of who you are? Is it because you don't want to lie anymore? Figure out the reason and come to terms with it. More than likely, this sort of news will hit them hard (just based off of the information you've given me) and you have to be prepared. If you depend on your family financially...you might want to rethink coming out to them until you have more options. It's possible, in some cases, for parents to disown their children for being honest, and although I'm not saying it will happen to you, it is a possibility, so make sure you're prepared.
That is another reason why you need a support system. It is important to have someone to talk to--whether it is a friend or partner or even a group. Try to find a support group in your area for Gays and Lesbians. It is relatively easy to search online and find such resources. You could even consider speaking with a counselor. Touching on your other question about asking this fellow at work out, you could try asking him how he came out to his parents. Before jumping into a relationship or asking him out, try to just become his friend and get to know him. Let the rest happen naturally, if you decide that you want to ask him out on a date. See about getting coffee (or something equally non-committal if you don't like coffee) so that you can simply talk and get to know one another. The bottom line is, you have to have others to talk to. And if nothing else, you have my email address.
Make sure you're educated. That's a big deal. No matter how you broach the subject, families tend to ask "Why?" "How do you know?" and "What does that mean 'You're Gay'?" You have to be ready to answer these questions along with several others. Here is a link to a study about homosexuality on the biological level--something that you can explain to them when they ask "Have you tried not being gay?" Gay, Straight Men's Brain Responses Differ. It is just one of many articles, so make sure you do some research. Know that there is not just one way to be gay. You are who you are. And you happen to be gay. It does not change who you are, so make sure that your family understands that.
You'll want to pick a "good" time to come out to your parents, meaning don't come out during an argument or heated discussion. Don't be resentful as you come out. You could even try writing it to them in a letter and letting them come to terms with it on their own. You could speak with one parent first so that you can tell your other family members together. Regardless, it is something that needs to be calmly addressed--as calmly as possible. And you have to make sure it's what you want and are ready for.
Don't feel pressured to come out to your parents. If you're not ready, then you're not ready. There's no set time-limit. You have to make sure that this will make you happier in the long run.
I, personally, do not classify my sexuality. I am what I am. However, I did come out to my parents when I realized I held a certain attraction for people of the same gender. I told my father first, when I was in high school. I asked him hypothetically (I was young and used it as a defense mechanism). I asked "What would you do if I were gay?" while we were in the car one morning. He did not seem surprised or angry. He just simply said, "Well...I mean, you are what you are. I'd still love you and so would your mother. We'd rather you not be gay for your sake, but what can I do? .....Are you gay?" I told him I wasn't sure yet. But it was nice to know that if I was, he'd still support me. I told my mother years later when I was having issues with a heterosexual partner. I told her that I had been with another of the same gender, and I was attracted to them and she simply said, "Well, before you continue with this relationship, you have to make sure it's what you really want and that you are or aren't gay. It's something that you have to come to terms with." We were at McDonald's. It was probably the strangest and most rewarding conversation of my life. And because of my parents' support, I know who I am after knowing that no matter what, I had their love and support. I realized how lucky I was. And I also understood that not everyone has that.
Should you approach it the same way I did? I can't really say what the "best" way to tell your parents is. There's no real answer. Just explore your options and take it slowly. Make sure you're as comfortable as possible, and that you make your parents comfortable as possible. There's really no easy way to do it. But once you've made up your mind to do it, you'll be able to find the right way to come out in your own mind. Again, I'll say to find some kind of Gay and Lesbian support group so that you can ask questions and meet other gays and lesbians in your area. Knowing people that understand what you're going through is the best sort of therapy and hearing other people's stories usually help you to figure out the best way that you can come out.
Below is a list of references and links with advice for coming out, safe sex practices, and just helpful advice. I'm sure that they'll help. Just take the time to read through them. And if you ever need anyone to talk to, just shoot me an email. I understand how hard it can be sometimes. Just know that there's always someone you can talk to.
-Gay, Straight Men's Brain Responses Differ
-Coming Out and Staying Out -- Advice for Gay and Bisexual Men
-Gay/Lesbian Resources -- Coming Out to Family and Friends
-Coming Out to Your Parents
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