It's a new week, and it's time for a new letter. I'd like to start of this week's post with a bit of a disclaimer. I created this blog for people who felt like they couldn't talk to their friends or family about certain things: touchy subjects like sex, relationships, techniques on how to be a better lover...those sorts of things. Well, this week's letter isn't anything like that. However, the subject of the letter is something that I hold very close to my heart and I believe it would be pure neglect of me to not post it up. So, before you read this, be mindful that the letter isn't the typical letter that I would post up and it may get a bit depressing. Also, if you happen to know of anyone who is suffering from these sorts of symptoms, make sure that you talk to that person and let him/her know that they can come to you. Believe me, you do not want to be stuck wondering "what if" for the rest of your life.
Cheers to you, Andy! Is your hair really red? :P Well, first of, good day to you from Liverpool!!
Well, let me start off by saying that I think it's very sweet of you to have this blog here for those that might be too ashamed to go to a parent/guardian/friend ect... But this isn't exactly a sexual topic I am bringing to you. But a self-harm one. You see, since I was probably ten years old, I have dealt with depression. It started with just being teased for my outer appearance (I was what you would call a plumb child) and I would hear the coldest of things from the youngest of kids to the oldest of hags. Well, it started to sink in hard when I was in probably around thirteen years old and out of nowhere, my home life started spiraling out of control. Parents got separated and mother dear did do her best, but only ended up hurting us more with every careless deed. Well, to make a long story short, life evolved, got better and then worse and before I knew it, I would find myself with razor in hand and it was always there for me through the darkest and saddest of times. I am now in my early 20's and It's still a constant battle to not run that blade into myself when life throws a curve ball at me. I know that in this life, we will never always get what we want and it would be childish of me to get sad over the smallest things. But I can honestly tell you that nothing is ever what we hope it would be. I feel worthless most of the time and I can do everything in my power to please others but it will never be enough.
Wow, I better stop before I turn this into a novel!! Best wishes and thank you, Andy!
-Madame Bell
Well, Bell, in answer to your question: No. My hair is not really red anymore. When I started the blog, my hair was red but I had a little mishap with some hair dye and now my hair is black. I fully intend to be a red-head again soon, though.
I'm really glad that you felt you could come to someone with your problem, Bell, even if it's just an anonymous post through a lesser-known blog, it means that you truly understand that you do need to talk to someone. As a person who has suffered from clinical depression her whole life, I believe I can help you at least in a way, with my limited means.
Adolescence is a very hard time for young people and it is not surprising that you link your "spiraling" to that time in your life. With hormones raging and the pressures of it all, it is very easy to lose yourself in the feeling of helplessness that sometimes occurs. What you must understand is that some of the time, it is not a matter of the mind, but a matter of biology. And let's face it, as women, we have a tendency to succumb to our emotions much easier than most men (which, I think is a shame, because many of these young gentlemen suffer through similar problems with their perception of themselves but they feel as if they cannot express it for fear of losing their masculinity).
Sometimes, however, I've noticed that usually that is the blossoming stage for depression, although many can misinterpret certain behaviors associated with anxiety, depression and bipolar disorder (yes, there is a difference between the three) as Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or Attention Deficit Hyper Disorder (ADHD). However, what a lot of people don't know, is that usually depression and ADD go hand-in-hand. It's all about the chemical imbalances of the mind. For more information on the topic, visit "An Overview of Depression and ADHD in Children" and/or "ADHD and Depression".
Self-harm is something that has recently come out into the open in many ways. Before, I believe, people were prone to simply cover things up or deny that a person ever had a problem. Luckily, now, doctors and most people understand that cutting and self-harm is something that should be taken very seriously and now there's a lot of literature on the subject (see "Cutting and other forms of self harm" for a little more information and understanding).
Unlike most things, cutting is not a "disease" and cannot simply be treated. Self-harm is a way of coping, which you, Bell, have illustrated in your letter first-hand. Something that you have to understand, Bell, is that self-harm is not something that you can just easily talk yourself out of with common sense like "...we will never always get what we want...[it's] childish of me to get sad..." etcetera, because as soon as another problem arises you will turn to the blade because, like I said, cutting is a coping mechanism. That should not imply, however, that there is no way to help it.
You've taken a big step in talking about the fact that you cut. Congrats. Many people never will or never intend to. To help, you have to understand that cutting can derive from bipolar disorder, depression, stress and/or anxiety and luckily those can be treated with therapy and/or medication. What I would suggest is making an appointment with a doctor. If you don't have insurance, see about looking into a free health clinic and doing the necessary research to find a governmental assistance program (which I currently benefit from in the state of Florida). Talk to your doctor about your symptoms and see if he can refer you to a therapist and/or psychiatrist (as psychiatrists can prescribe medication) based on your income, insurance and symptoms. Doctors who are not trained with psychosis should not prescribe antidepressants and the like. Believe me, I speak from personal experience and nearly died because of an adverse effect from an antidepressant that was prescribed to me as a way to control my ADHD when I was a teenager. Anyway, once you have settled a doctor and a form of treatment has been settled it can take a lot of trial and error to find something that works best for you. The best thing you can do is speak openly and honestly with your doctor, otherwise he/she cannot help you and it can have a dangerous effect for you.
Regardless of everything I have said, you have to talk to someone who can help you. I am not a doctor, I am not a therapist (at least no more than Dr. Phil...who if you did not know, is a botanist, or something) and I cannot help you to take control of your life and get things in order so that you can get on track to ending your struggle. All I can tell you is that not too many years ago, I made the choice to open up and finally talk to someone...before I finally went over the edge. And it has taken me a lot of time to get to where I am now but I can certainly say that life is better not because I won the lotto or anything like that but because I'm alive and I don't have the constant, nagging anxiety of depression weighing me down. Trust me, Bell. Talk to someone. It's the best thing you can do.
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