So, this week was low on emails, as in there were none. There is an issue I'd like to touch on though. Sex is an important part of any relationship and something that is meant to be enjoyed by partners. Impotence in men is something that has been addressed a lot in the recent years. Even the lack of desire in women is an issue that has had light shed upon it on a large scale. With female libido enhancers such as gels (like "KY Intense") and herbal supplements (like "HerSolution") it's becoming more and more easy for women to become stimulated and enjoy sex more. However, there are still times when women are not feeling "up to it" based on different problems they may be encountering in their lives (ie: recent childbirth, hormonal problems, psychological issues, etc.), and as such, sex with their partners becomes less and less of a priority. As such, some men have a tendency to become frustrated but do not how to articulate their frustrations in an effective manner. As such, arguments can result, lack of communication and in some cases, infidelity.
A good friend of mine is going through kind of a tough issue. She's been having some kind of severe symptoms of Menometrorrhagia. Menometrorrhagia is a condition in which a woman has persistent and/or extreme uterine bleeding in an irregular pattern and more frequently than normal (ie, in-between periods). Some of the causes are hormonal imbalance, uterine fibroids (benign tumors in the uterus), endometriosis (when cells similar to those lining the inner walls of the uterus that shed monthly appear on the outside of the uterus), or sometimes cancer. It can be pretty serious, especially depending on the cause of the hemorrhaging. For a little more information and facts about Menometrorrhagia, visit OrganizedWisdom>Menometrorrhagia.
In any case, because my friend's condition, she's been having some severe cramping and every time her and her partner decide to have intercourse it makes the bleeding a lot worse or start all over again. As a result, her sex drive is extremely low to put it mildly. I'm not going to go into the details of her relationship with her partner, because it would be unethical of me. However, communication problems seem to be causing a strain on their relationship. Just because sexual intercourse doesn't seem to be an option at the moment, does not mean that intimacy has to go out of the window. Despite the fact that a woman may not be feeling particularly sexy doesn't mean that her partner does not want her. As such, when that time comes, and you hear "Hey, honey..." sometimes saying "Not tonight, dear" isn't the best course of action. Instead, try something different. Go back to the days of "necking". Making out and heavy petting can be vastly under-rated. The stimulation is obviously pleasurable while it can be non-invasive for the woman. As far as pleasing your partner try outer-course, rather than intercourse. Oral sex, manual stimulation, touching, massaging....it's all form of stimulation.
Sex is an important part of relationships and when a person is not feeling up to it, then communication is key. Rather than judging, your partner should be supportive. But if you know that your not going to be able to perform sexual intercourse, then you have to compromise. There's two people in the relationship and where you may believe that it's your partner's job to be supportive and understand your needs, you have to understand his/her's. If you aren't willing to work through the issue together, then what's the point?
As always, when involved in intimate relations with your partner, remember to be safe!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
From, Red Andy
Hey, so this week has been relatively uneventful. This week I didn't get any letters in but I didn't think that just because I received no letters that I should forgo my obligation to post a new entry on the blog. I just wanted to say a quick "Thank you" to everyone who's been reading and sending in letters. I really appreciate it and I'm glad that I can help. Regarding last week's letter, I understand that it was a little depressing, but you never know when someone may be reaching out for help. That being said, I appreciate you writing in, but from now on if I receive a letter like that, I will answer it privately--meaning, I won't post it up on the website unless I feel obligated to do so.
Thanks for reading this brief update, and hopefully next week I'll have more emails.
Thanks for reading this brief update, and hopefully next week I'll have more emails.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
From, Madame Bell
It's a new week, and it's time for a new letter. I'd like to start of this week's post with a bit of a disclaimer. I created this blog for people who felt like they couldn't talk to their friends or family about certain things: touchy subjects like sex, relationships, techniques on how to be a better lover...those sorts of things. Well, this week's letter isn't anything like that. However, the subject of the letter is something that I hold very close to my heart and I believe it would be pure neglect of me to not post it up. So, before you read this, be mindful that the letter isn't the typical letter that I would post up and it may get a bit depressing. Also, if you happen to know of anyone who is suffering from these sorts of symptoms, make sure that you talk to that person and let him/her know that they can come to you. Believe me, you do not want to be stuck wondering "what if" for the rest of your life.
Cheers to you, Andy! Is your hair really red? :P Well, first of, good day to you from Liverpool!!
Well, let me start off by saying that I think it's very sweet of you to have this blog here for those that might be too ashamed to go to a parent/guardian/friend ect... But this isn't exactly a sexual topic I am bringing to you. But a self-harm one. You see, since I was probably ten years old, I have dealt with depression. It started with just being teased for my outer appearance (I was what you would call a plumb child) and I would hear the coldest of things from the youngest of kids to the oldest of hags. Well, it started to sink in hard when I was in probably around thirteen years old and out of nowhere, my home life started spiraling out of control. Parents got separated and mother dear did do her best, but only ended up hurting us more with every careless deed. Well, to make a long story short, life evolved, got better and then worse and before I knew it, I would find myself with razor in hand and it was always there for me through the darkest and saddest of times. I am now in my early 20's and It's still a constant battle to not run that blade into myself when life throws a curve ball at me. I know that in this life, we will never always get what we want and it would be childish of me to get sad over the smallest things. But I can honestly tell you that nothing is ever what we hope it would be. I feel worthless most of the time and I can do everything in my power to please others but it will never be enough.
Wow, I better stop before I turn this into a novel!! Best wishes and thank you, Andy!
-Madame Bell
Well, Bell, in answer to your question: No. My hair is not really red anymore. When I started the blog, my hair was red but I had a little mishap with some hair dye and now my hair is black. I fully intend to be a red-head again soon, though.
I'm really glad that you felt you could come to someone with your problem, Bell, even if it's just an anonymous post through a lesser-known blog, it means that you truly understand that you do need to talk to someone. As a person who has suffered from clinical depression her whole life, I believe I can help you at least in a way, with my limited means.
Adolescence is a very hard time for young people and it is not surprising that you link your "spiraling" to that time in your life. With hormones raging and the pressures of it all, it is very easy to lose yourself in the feeling of helplessness that sometimes occurs. What you must understand is that some of the time, it is not a matter of the mind, but a matter of biology. And let's face it, as women, we have a tendency to succumb to our emotions much easier than most men (which, I think is a shame, because many of these young gentlemen suffer through similar problems with their perception of themselves but they feel as if they cannot express it for fear of losing their masculinity).
Sometimes, however, I've noticed that usually that is the blossoming stage for depression, although many can misinterpret certain behaviors associated with anxiety, depression and bipolar disorder (yes, there is a difference between the three) as Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or Attention Deficit Hyper Disorder (ADHD). However, what a lot of people don't know, is that usually depression and ADD go hand-in-hand. It's all about the chemical imbalances of the mind. For more information on the topic, visit "An Overview of Depression and ADHD in Children" and/or "ADHD and Depression".
Self-harm is something that has recently come out into the open in many ways. Before, I believe, people were prone to simply cover things up or deny that a person ever had a problem. Luckily, now, doctors and most people understand that cutting and self-harm is something that should be taken very seriously and now there's a lot of literature on the subject (see "Cutting and other forms of self harm" for a little more information and understanding).
Unlike most things, cutting is not a "disease" and cannot simply be treated. Self-harm is a way of coping, which you, Bell, have illustrated in your letter first-hand. Something that you have to understand, Bell, is that self-harm is not something that you can just easily talk yourself out of with common sense like "...we will never always get what we want...[it's] childish of me to get sad..." etcetera, because as soon as another problem arises you will turn to the blade because, like I said, cutting is a coping mechanism. That should not imply, however, that there is no way to help it.
You've taken a big step in talking about the fact that you cut. Congrats. Many people never will or never intend to. To help, you have to understand that cutting can derive from bipolar disorder, depression, stress and/or anxiety and luckily those can be treated with therapy and/or medication. What I would suggest is making an appointment with a doctor. If you don't have insurance, see about looking into a free health clinic and doing the necessary research to find a governmental assistance program (which I currently benefit from in the state of Florida). Talk to your doctor about your symptoms and see if he can refer you to a therapist and/or psychiatrist (as psychiatrists can prescribe medication) based on your income, insurance and symptoms. Doctors who are not trained with psychosis should not prescribe antidepressants and the like. Believe me, I speak from personal experience and nearly died because of an adverse effect from an antidepressant that was prescribed to me as a way to control my ADHD when I was a teenager. Anyway, once you have settled a doctor and a form of treatment has been settled it can take a lot of trial and error to find something that works best for you. The best thing you can do is speak openly and honestly with your doctor, otherwise he/she cannot help you and it can have a dangerous effect for you.
Regardless of everything I have said, you have to talk to someone who can help you. I am not a doctor, I am not a therapist (at least no more than Dr. Phil...who if you did not know, is a botanist, or something) and I cannot help you to take control of your life and get things in order so that you can get on track to ending your struggle. All I can tell you is that not too many years ago, I made the choice to open up and finally talk to someone...before I finally went over the edge. And it has taken me a lot of time to get to where I am now but I can certainly say that life is better not because I won the lotto or anything like that but because I'm alive and I don't have the constant, nagging anxiety of depression weighing me down. Trust me, Bell. Talk to someone. It's the best thing you can do.
Cheers to you, Andy! Is your hair really red? :P Well, first of, good day to you from Liverpool!!
Well, let me start off by saying that I think it's very sweet of you to have this blog here for those that might be too ashamed to go to a parent/guardian/friend ect... But this isn't exactly a sexual topic I am bringing to you. But a self-harm one. You see, since I was probably ten years old, I have dealt with depression. It started with just being teased for my outer appearance (I was what you would call a plumb child) and I would hear the coldest of things from the youngest of kids to the oldest of hags. Well, it started to sink in hard when I was in probably around thirteen years old and out of nowhere, my home life started spiraling out of control. Parents got separated and mother dear did do her best, but only ended up hurting us more with every careless deed. Well, to make a long story short, life evolved, got better and then worse and before I knew it, I would find myself with razor in hand and it was always there for me through the darkest and saddest of times. I am now in my early 20's and It's still a constant battle to not run that blade into myself when life throws a curve ball at me. I know that in this life, we will never always get what we want and it would be childish of me to get sad over the smallest things. But I can honestly tell you that nothing is ever what we hope it would be. I feel worthless most of the time and I can do everything in my power to please others but it will never be enough.
Wow, I better stop before I turn this into a novel!! Best wishes and thank you, Andy!
-Madame Bell
Well, Bell, in answer to your question: No. My hair is not really red anymore. When I started the blog, my hair was red but I had a little mishap with some hair dye and now my hair is black. I fully intend to be a red-head again soon, though.
I'm really glad that you felt you could come to someone with your problem, Bell, even if it's just an anonymous post through a lesser-known blog, it means that you truly understand that you do need to talk to someone. As a person who has suffered from clinical depression her whole life, I believe I can help you at least in a way, with my limited means.
Adolescence is a very hard time for young people and it is not surprising that you link your "spiraling" to that time in your life. With hormones raging and the pressures of it all, it is very easy to lose yourself in the feeling of helplessness that sometimes occurs. What you must understand is that some of the time, it is not a matter of the mind, but a matter of biology. And let's face it, as women, we have a tendency to succumb to our emotions much easier than most men (which, I think is a shame, because many of these young gentlemen suffer through similar problems with their perception of themselves but they feel as if they cannot express it for fear of losing their masculinity).
Sometimes, however, I've noticed that usually that is the blossoming stage for depression, although many can misinterpret certain behaviors associated with anxiety, depression and bipolar disorder (yes, there is a difference between the three) as Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or Attention Deficit Hyper Disorder (ADHD). However, what a lot of people don't know, is that usually depression and ADD go hand-in-hand. It's all about the chemical imbalances of the mind. For more information on the topic, visit "An Overview of Depression and ADHD in Children" and/or "ADHD and Depression".
Self-harm is something that has recently come out into the open in many ways. Before, I believe, people were prone to simply cover things up or deny that a person ever had a problem. Luckily, now, doctors and most people understand that cutting and self-harm is something that should be taken very seriously and now there's a lot of literature on the subject (see "Cutting and other forms of self harm" for a little more information and understanding).
Unlike most things, cutting is not a "disease" and cannot simply be treated. Self-harm is a way of coping, which you, Bell, have illustrated in your letter first-hand. Something that you have to understand, Bell, is that self-harm is not something that you can just easily talk yourself out of with common sense like "...we will never always get what we want...[it's] childish of me to get sad..." etcetera, because as soon as another problem arises you will turn to the blade because, like I said, cutting is a coping mechanism. That should not imply, however, that there is no way to help it.
You've taken a big step in talking about the fact that you cut. Congrats. Many people never will or never intend to. To help, you have to understand that cutting can derive from bipolar disorder, depression, stress and/or anxiety and luckily those can be treated with therapy and/or medication. What I would suggest is making an appointment with a doctor. If you don't have insurance, see about looking into a free health clinic and doing the necessary research to find a governmental assistance program (which I currently benefit from in the state of Florida). Talk to your doctor about your symptoms and see if he can refer you to a therapist and/or psychiatrist (as psychiatrists can prescribe medication) based on your income, insurance and symptoms. Doctors who are not trained with psychosis should not prescribe antidepressants and the like. Believe me, I speak from personal experience and nearly died because of an adverse effect from an antidepressant that was prescribed to me as a way to control my ADHD when I was a teenager. Anyway, once you have settled a doctor and a form of treatment has been settled it can take a lot of trial and error to find something that works best for you. The best thing you can do is speak openly and honestly with your doctor, otherwise he/she cannot help you and it can have a dangerous effect for you.
Regardless of everything I have said, you have to talk to someone who can help you. I am not a doctor, I am not a therapist (at least no more than Dr. Phil...who if you did not know, is a botanist, or something) and I cannot help you to take control of your life and get things in order so that you can get on track to ending your struggle. All I can tell you is that not too many years ago, I made the choice to open up and finally talk to someone...before I finally went over the edge. And it has taken me a lot of time to get to where I am now but I can certainly say that life is better not because I won the lotto or anything like that but because I'm alive and I don't have the constant, nagging anxiety of depression weighing me down. Trust me, Bell. Talk to someone. It's the best thing you can do.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
From, Anonymous
Hello, hello, hello. Okay, I know that I'm bad. I skipped last week's posting. However, in all fairness, it was the 23rd of December and considering how insane everything was going the holidays and all, I assumed my avid readers would forgive me. That being said, I'm sorry, and I will be back to my regular schedule of posting this blog every Thursday. So, to the one person who wrote me a mean, teasing letter about missing the day (you know who you are)...give me a break. Hahaha.
Of course, I'm teasing. Moving right along, though; this week's letter is another long-distance question. And is it just me, or am I starting to see a recurring theme here? Ha!
Andy,
Recently I started dating the woman I've always known I would end up with, it sounds a little silly as i am the kind of guy who was a player in high school and never thought of myself as one to even think about settling down. I know I love this girl because when ever I am around her everything feels so easy I don't have to think about things that I normally have to stop myself from doing around other women. We live about a thousand miles apart and my job keeps me from being able to travel home as much as I would like and money and other obligations stop her from traveling to see me as much as she would like. now I know I can trust her 100% and I know she trust me 100%, but lately I've had little birds flapping in my ear about if I could trust her or not in the long distance relationship. my question to you is, how do I deal with them I am not going to lose this girl again, but I don't want to drive a wedge between the people close to me either, how should I make it to where all three parties win?
<3 Anonymous
Well, much like I said last time, long-distance relationships can be extremely difficult. It's really just a matter of whether or not you want to deal with it. For example, you have stated that you love her and trust her, and then you realize what other people are saying and perhaps your trust wavers slightly. Well, you cannot have a relationship without trust--of that much, I am positive. You need to understand that people are always going to talk, and many people cannot understand the appeal of a long-distance relationship. Another thing you must realize is that the people who are doubting the sincerity of your partner are more than likely looking out for you. They do not want to see you get hurt. I would not suggest bringing this to the attention of your partner, as it could easily be misinterpreted as your trust in her wavering. However, if it truly weighs on you, it is something that you must discuss openly with your partner. You must have an open flow of communication if the relationship is to succeed and if you can't trust her then that is something you either must work on developing.
Regardless, I would not attack or be angry at those who are questioning the trustworthiness of your partner. In the interest of peace-keeping, you must be calm and understand that they only want what's best for you. However, you must tell them how you feel in a way that is not attacking them. For example, you can say, "I understand your concerns, and I appreciate it, however I feel..." and you would explain your own feelings. As I have stated before, "It's all about good communication."
Of course, I'm teasing. Moving right along, though; this week's letter is another long-distance question. And is it just me, or am I starting to see a recurring theme here? Ha!
Andy,
Recently I started dating the woman I've always known I would end up with, it sounds a little silly as i am the kind of guy who was a player in high school and never thought of myself as one to even think about settling down. I know I love this girl because when ever I am around her everything feels so easy I don't have to think about things that I normally have to stop myself from doing around other women. We live about a thousand miles apart and my job keeps me from being able to travel home as much as I would like and money and other obligations stop her from traveling to see me as much as she would like. now I know I can trust her 100% and I know she trust me 100%, but lately I've had little birds flapping in my ear about if I could trust her or not in the long distance relationship. my question to you is, how do I deal with them I am not going to lose this girl again, but I don't want to drive a wedge between the people close to me either, how should I make it to where all three parties win?
<3 Anonymous
Well, much like I said last time, long-distance relationships can be extremely difficult. It's really just a matter of whether or not you want to deal with it. For example, you have stated that you love her and trust her, and then you realize what other people are saying and perhaps your trust wavers slightly. Well, you cannot have a relationship without trust--of that much, I am positive. You need to understand that people are always going to talk, and many people cannot understand the appeal of a long-distance relationship. Another thing you must realize is that the people who are doubting the sincerity of your partner are more than likely looking out for you. They do not want to see you get hurt. I would not suggest bringing this to the attention of your partner, as it could easily be misinterpreted as your trust in her wavering. However, if it truly weighs on you, it is something that you must discuss openly with your partner. You must have an open flow of communication if the relationship is to succeed and if you can't trust her then that is something you either must work on developing.
Regardless, I would not attack or be angry at those who are questioning the trustworthiness of your partner. In the interest of peace-keeping, you must be calm and understand that they only want what's best for you. However, you must tell them how you feel in a way that is not attacking them. For example, you can say, "I understand your concerns, and I appreciate it, however I feel..." and you would explain your own feelings. As I have stated before, "It's all about good communication."
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