From, David

Alright, so I know I've been MIA for a couple of weeks. I had family come in front out of town and then I had some technical issues BUT everything seems to be working properly at this point. So, without anymore excuses, here's this week's email. :)

Red,
So lately me and my friends have been trying to determin if one of our friends is gay. Its not a big deal but he shows a lot of signs and it would be nice to know. Most of my gay friends are pretty sure he is, but he denies it. He exibits signs, like uninterested in women who are accessable, only talks to girls who are in different states and not accessable, he tries to hard to be a "Macho Man" always talking about his sexual conquest like that's what I want to hear about... and to top it all of he shares a bed with his gay roommate. How should I approach asking him.... its not a big deal and im comfortable enough with my sexuallity to have gay friends, but it would be nice to know if he is gay or not
-David-

David, this is a pretty interesting issue. I've stated before (I believe) that there is really not one way to be gay. As such, there's not one way to be straight, either. As it is, "signs" and things of the like really can't be taken into account. You say that it's "not a big deal". If that is the case, you need to ask yourself why you are so concerned with figuring out this person's sexual orientation.

Let's say--for argument's sake--that this person is homosexual. Perhaps he's simply not ready to come to terms with that sexual identity. Maybe he doesn't want anyone to know. Maybe he doesn't even realize it himself. Regardless, if he is not ready to come out, it's not something that should be forced. If you are truly his friend, just respect him enough to realize that he may not be ready and just accept him as he is. If it's not a big deal, then don't make a big deal of it. When/if he's ready, it'll be nice to know that he has someone to come to.

Now, the other side of that, if he is not homosexual, then you could potentially be in danger of harassing someone for no reason. So, he shares a bed with his gay roommate. Maybe he is just comfortable enough with his sexuality to where he does not feel threatened by a gay man sharing the same bed. There are a lot of possibilities that it sounds like you have not taken into consideration.

That being said, I would not recommend asking your friend whether or not he is gay, as it has the potential to be really offensive or put him in a position that he may not be ready for. Regardless, if you are intent on discerning his sexual orientation, the best advice I can give you is simply to be direct an honest. Don't say "Hey, I think you're gay because of all of these reasons; are you gay?" Simply let him know that if he is gay, you'd support him and he would not lose you as a friend. Tell him that if he is gay, or if he thinks he may be, it would be alright to talk to you about it. That he can trust you. If he decides to come out to you, then you'll have your answer. If he says he's straight, then you need to be willing to accept that answer as well, and respect him enough not to press the issue.

Either way, the topic is really touchy. Like I said before, I would not recommend asking your friend. Let him come to you if he decides that he wants to. The most important thing you can do for your friend is make sure that he knows that you'll be there for him.